What if an Aesop’s Fables character had email?
From: Shepherd Boy
Sent: Saturday, February 10, 580 BC 7:16 PM
To: Nearby Villagers
Subject: Wolf!
The wolves are attaching my flock! I swear I really mean it this time.
What if Theodore Roosevelt had email?
From: Roosevelt, Theodore
Sent: Thursday, August 21, 1908 11:42 AM
To: Pinchot, Gifford
Subject: Out of Office Message
I will be out of the office from Monday, August 18, through Sunday, September 1, on safari in Africa and will have limited access to email.
What if Mozart had email?
From: Mozart, Leopold
Sent: Monday, November 8, 1782 7:21 PM
To: Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus
Subject: your mother
Wolfy,
Hope you’re settling in to Vienna. Mom is wondering when you’re going to visit us.
Mom ran into Mrs. Salieri the other day at the store who told Mom that Antonio has been having a really hard time finding freelance work in Vienna. I don’t think you’re going to do any better. I bet if you wrote the Archbishop a really nice email, he would let you have your old job back.
Best,
Dad
From: Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus
Sent: Wednesday, November 25, 1781 2:05 AM
To: Mozart, Leopold
Subject: RE: your mother
dad,
I don’t know how many ways there are to tell you: i’m never going to work for the archbishop again. The guy is one of the biggest dicks in the church. Trust me.
The reason why antonio salieri is having trouble freelancing is bc that guy wouldn’t know a beautiful composition if it bit him in the ass.
nyway, what do you care. It’s not like I’m asking you for money…
The reason that I haven’t visited besides that i’ve been busy as shit composing fucking brilliant symphonies is that mom was a real bitch to Costanze. sorry, but that just doesnt fly in the mozart household.
-wolf
sent from my iPhone
From: Mozart, Leopold
Sent: Monday, November 25, 1782 7:30 AM
To: Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus
Subject: RE: your mother
Wolfy,
Was almost thinking we wouldn’t hear from you.
When I was your age, I also thought, misguidedly, that I would be much happier if I could just get out from under the big bossman and work for myself. Boy was I wrong.
Oh, ran into the Archbishop’s cousin Ted in old Salzburg. He thinks there’s a good chance the Archbishop would hire you again if you apologize and send a gift.
Mom asked me to ask you when you’re going to visit. I told her that you don’t have time for us right now…
-Dad
What if Richard Nixon had e-mail?
From: President of the United States
Sent: Friday, April 5, 1973 3:42 AM
To: Haldeman, H.R.
Cc: Ehrlichman, John
Subject: bowling alley needs to be fixed
Importance: High
Bob,
Bowled with Henry last night. Game started well. I was bowling an 80 by 4th frame, Henry only 45. However in 5th frame, the back right pin would jiggle and then fall over unprovoked. This forced us to hit reset a bunch of times. Fortunately it was just Henry, but suppose [John] Connally or Jerry [Ford] comes over and thinks I have some kind of fairy bowling alley.
Get those fuckers in maintenance to take a look and fix right away.
-RN
Richard M. Nixon
President of the United States of America
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
dick@whitehouse.gov
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This message and any attachments are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient, you are prohibited from printing, copying, forwarding, saving, or otherwise using or relying upon them in any manner. Please notify the sender immediately if you have received this message by mistake and delete it from your system.
From: Haldeman, H.R.
Sent: Friday, April 5, 1973 3:46 AM
To: President of the United States
Cc: Ehrlichman, John
Subject: RE: bowling alley needs to be fixed
Importance: High
Mr. President,
I’ve just gotten word that the problem has been fixed. Don’t know why that happened, but be advised it will never NEVER happen again.
Didn’t realize Dr. Kissinger was a bowler…
-Bob
H.R. Haldeman
Chief of Staff to the President of the United States
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
hrbobhaldeman@whitehouse.gov
From: President of the United States
Sent: Friday, April 5, 1973 3:47 AM
To: Haldeman, H.R.
Cc: Ehrlichman, John
Subject: RE: bowling alley needs to be fixed
Importance: High
Jews as you know have certain traits, one being they are not athletically-inclined. Henry is no exception. He bowled abysmally. Not to mention that he had no idea POTUS was so good at it. If he did, I doubt he would have subjected himself to it. Incidentally, he’s going to reign in the back channel shit he’s had going on with Zhou.
-RN
From: Ehrlichman, John
Sent: Friday, April 5, 1973 3:49 AM
To: Haldeman, H.R.; President of the United States
Subject: RE: bowling alley needs to be fixed
Importance: High
Currently picturing Dr. Kissinger with bowling ball waddling down lane. HILARIOUS
-John
John Ehrlichman
Assistant to the President for Domestic Affairs
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
jehrlichman@whitehouse.gov
From: Haldeman, H.R.
Sent: Friday, April 5, 1973 3:50 AM
To: Ehrlichman, John; President of the United States
Subject: RE: bowling alley needs to be fixed
Importance: High
Bwahaha!
-Bob
What if Abraham Lincoln had email?
From: President Abraham Lincoln <Honest.Abe@whitehouse.gov>
Sent: Saturday, December 30, 1862 4:26 AM
To: White House Speech Department <Speech.Department@whitehouse.gov>
Subject: slaves free speech-the title is always the hardest part
I’m told by General Grant I have to change the name of the “Slaves are free!” speech to something more subtle. I’ll be honest, I’m stumped. Please come up with something.
From: White House Speech Department <Speech.Department@whitehouse.gov>
Sent: Saturday, February 23, 1937 4:28 AM
To: President Abraham Lincoln <Honest.Abe@whitehouse.gov>
Subject: RE: title for the freeing slaves speech
Mr. President,
A few ideas: “Declaration of the Equality of Man”…. “Enunciation of the Freedoms of all Peoples” ? Or “the Underground Railroad has Been Relocated Above Ground?” Just kidding about that last one.
From: President Abraham Lincoln <Honest.Abe@whitehouse.gov>
Sent: Saturday, December 30, 1862 4:31 AM
To: White House Speech Department <Speech.Department@whitehouse.gov>
Subject: RE: title for the freeing slaves speech
That better not be all you’ve got
From: White House Speech Department <Speech.Department@whitehouse.gov>
Sent: Saturday, December 30, 1862 4:33 AM
To: President Abraham Lincoln <Honest.Abe@whitehouse.gov>
Subject: RE: title for the freeing slaves speech
No, sorry Mr. President.
Stevens just threw this one out there: “the Emancipation Proclamation.” Kind of cheesy to rhyme a speech about freeing the slaves, IMO, but I thought I’d share it…
From: President Abraham Lincoln <Honest.Abe@whitehouse.gov>
Sent: Saturday, December 30, 1937 4:35 AM
To: White House Speech Department <Speech.Department@whitehouse.gov>
Subject: RE: title for the freeing slaves speech
BINGO
What if Gandhi had e-mail?
People think the internet was invented in the early 1990s because this is when many of us gave up making prank calls in favor of creating fake AOL instant messenger avatars to chat weird middle aged men in Colorado. (Or maybe that was just me and my friends).
In fact, the technology was around well before then. Recent emails from famous people — as far back as the 1700s! — have just been discovered. If you can believe it, Mozart, Gandhi, Stalin, and F. Scott Fitzgerald all communicated daily via email like us office drones.
Somehow, I have exclusive access to these emails, which, today for the first time, I will relinquish to bring them to you, the people. After all, the people have a right to know. Here’s the first unearthed communication, from Gandhi.
From: Gandhi, Mahatma <mahatma_gandhi@yahoo.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 18, 1894 11:08 AM
To: Tolstoy, Lev <tolstoy@gmail.com>
Subject: HOLY SHIT
Leo,
Just read “The Story of My Experiments with Truth” and wow, just WOW. Can I get like 100 copies?! Kidding….kind of. But seriously. Mind blown.
Best regards,
Gandhi
Gandhi
Twitter @Gandhi
visit me online at www.geocities.com/gandhi
“Be the change you wish to see.”
